“I can bottom line this in one sentence,” she writes in the introduction.
“When you ‘let them’ do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you and a better relationship with the people in your life.”
In her simple, commonsense manner, she explains why parents and partners want to be controlling, and how to let go as a parent.
When her teenage son and his friends wanted to eat at a tiny fast food restaurant with limited seating before their junior prom, dressed in tuxes and gowns, in pouring rain, she was against it. As she started to intervene, her daughter said, “Let them.”
That clicked, and Robbins stopped arguing, feeling at peace.
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The “let them” theory suggests letting go of control over a situation or others’ behaviour, and focusing on yourself and your reactions. Trying to control others will only lead to frustration or disappointments.
This shift towards surrendering control can be applied to almost all life situations, and can be liberating. It closely relates to detachment, mindfulness and acceptance, and taking responsibility for our own actions.
Robbins cites three situations in which “let them” should not apply: “If somebody is doing something dangerous to themselves or to you, if they cross your boundaries, or decide things on your behalf.”
The premise does not imply that you allow others to take advantage of you, either. Robbins gives the example of an employer’s salary offer, noting you have the right to negotiate, not simply accept it.
The technique is important, especially when a partner or friend is not supporting you in the way you desire. If someone is not behaving according to your expectations, let them be and don’t waste energy trying to change them.
As she says in her social media videos: “When they reveal who they truly are to you, you now know what you can choose next that’s right for you.”
Asmita Sharma understands “let them”. The 35-year-old IT professional in Bangalore, India, decided to leave her abusive partner after two years.
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“Obviously, this theory does not apply to situations like mine, where he was harming and hurting me, and [being] emotionally abusive,” she says.
“I had to think of my well-being, and after giving him a chance to change, [walked out]. I could not take the ‘let them’ attitude.”
Psychotherapist Deenaz Damania, based in Bangalore, India, says certainty and control over events and people in our lives is an important need of the human psyche.
“A dream scenario for most would be the ability to have some sort of power to influence one’s partner or spouse to think and behave in a certain way – but designing a rocket that will take us into space seems a more achievable task,” she says.
“A valuable gift we can give ourselves is to become aware of the important truth, that as adults, while we cannot control another, we can have control over who we are, who we want to be and become.”Shruti Kumar, 45, an advertising professional in Chennai, India, describes this “gift” as a golden rule in her relationships.
“If my spouse or kids are not behaving the way I expect, I can either waste energy [on] being angry and trying to change them, or just let go and take the peaceful path of ‘let them’.”
In most cases she “lets them”, to have a more peaceful existence rather than ending up frustrated and miserable.
“It does not imply that you take nonsense from people. It just implies self-care by letting people be. It also means I don’t need constant validation from others,” Kumar says.
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The “let them” theory is also about not making the other person the villain, and realising that their behaviour is about them and not you.
Accepting people does not mean that they have to be in your life; if they are toxic, it is better to let them go. It is about not struggling to control the outcome.
“So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations and the truth is, if somebody, especially somebody you’re dating or who’s a friend or somebody you’re trying to partner with in business, if they are not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change,” says Robbins.
The “let them” theory can be applied to many aspects of life, from your personal appearance to pursuing personal goals without fear of what people will say; in relationships that drain you, and in voicing your ideas at work without fear of being judged.
By resisting the need to solve every conflict and allowing family members and others to handle their own issues, we can find peace and growth.
“In this journey of not holding on and letting go, while the support of our loved ones is critical, self-compassion and support of ourselves, for ourselves, within our minds and hearts, is equally precious and important,” says Damania.
“By letting go, by not judging but looking at a problematic situation with an attitude of curiosity, one creates a more positive mindset.”ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7tK%2FMqWWcp51kuaqyxKyrsqSVZLWmrcutn2avlaG5r7HSrGaaqqSesK2xjmxpbXFjZ4FwtM6wZKWdpGLBqbHMZquhnZ%2Bnxm7Azq6aoZ2UYrqquMuipqerXai8pLXApWSmnZSerm61wqilZqWVoXqzu8GboKerXZu8rbjOsJyrq12staLAjKKrZpmemXqpu9Y%3D